Completely Different Sense of Self

It is my personal belief that humans operate under a certain amount of selfish behavior.  Maybe it’s instinctive for survival, but no matter how much we attempt to speak to the contrary, we as people are a pretty selfish bunch.  Even the things we do to make the world a better place, the philanthropic and altruistic gestures, to some extent are done to make ourselves feel good, which can be construed as semi-selfish behavior.  Hell, even Paul Watson isn’t trolling the South Pole for just the sake of the whales, it makes him feel good, which is sort of selfish, but ultimately, a majority of what he does is pretty self-less.  Unless you’re a member of Greenpeace, or a Newfoundlander, then, well, you have your own views of Mr. Watson.  Nevertheless, a majority of what he does is for the good of the world.  I’m not out attacking Japanese whaling ships, but my goal is to do something similar, albeit on a much smaller scale.

Today, I had the distinct pleasure of participating in an Autism charity event, sponsored by Autism Speaks.  My family and I trekked out to a sprawling park on a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon, and we walked.  Sure, prior to today, we raised nearly $1,000 for the organization, but today was all about the kids and families and learning about autism and just having a fantastic time.  We bonded with strangers, we took photos, we cried, we petted guide dogs, we had meltdowns, we snarfed down ice cream and we all stood up for a cause so much bigger than the 6,000 people who walked with us.  This was one of the more weighty experiences of my life which had nothing to do with me, personally.  The stake was about the other guy, the other person’s kid, so not about me, and you know what?  I liked it.  A lot.

The whole experience filled me with so many emotions and thoughts, the most profound of which seemed a little unexpected.  Today, I began to understand the massive shift that’s occured recently with some old friends and acqaintances, and why people I felt so connected to 10 or 20 years ago no longer seem to fit within my puzzle.  All along, I thought it was a change because I had children and others did not, or because my kids are slightly different from other kids and some might judge them unfairly, but neither one of those is the reason at all.  I am no longer that toss-caution-to-the-wind type of girl who jets off on a shopping excursion or vacation on a whim.  I don’t find myself in situations where I’m not in (at least a majority of) control anymore.  I realize the world is a big, big place, and there are other people who live in it…surprise!  And, some of those people (places and things) require some of my attention, time, money, passion or all of the above from time to time.  I’m alright with that.  I’m totally ok with not being so focused on what I have or what I do or what I wear, but maybe, even for just a day, stopping in the sunshine and taking a look around to see who and what I can have an impact on.  Then focusing on that for a little while.

By no means am I saying all the selfishness has left my body.  I’m just a little less, is all, and a whole lot better off for it.