The Many Reasons

January 20, 2009 at 1:44 pm Leave a comment

I feel like I should be swelled with pride today, bursting with hope and life and the promise of a coming sunrise to outshine ALL the others before it.  My heart should be over full with optimism and my arms should be open to embrace the potential our future must certainly have in store.  I should be on my feet, cheering and screaming and pumping my fist in the air in the direction of my television and towards this historic icon of a man.

I don’t.  And, I’ll tell you the many reasons why.

Nothing I’ve accomplished in life, at least anything worth its weight, has come with ease or without mayhem and drama standing between me and my goal.  I’ve fought three great battles in my life.  I waged against infertility and won.  I still am plagued by depression and raising two children with developmental and mental health issues, and those fights continue.  Everyday.  Without respite or reprieve.   Where my children are concerned, I have made it my mission to unturn all potentially helpful stones and make contact with every teacher, therapist or health care professional who may help my kids.  My efforts are in vein, mostly, with a few exceptions.

Despite doing my very best to keep a positive attitude and a happy face, everyday is a struggle.  To keep calm, to run a happy household, to not constantly mourn the loss of normalcy.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my life.  I love my kids and I’d never trade them in for all the normal in the world.  I’m married to the most amazing man and I could not be more thankful for the roof over my head, the (little, but existent) money in the bank and the good general health of my loved ones.

However, there are days and instances that hold a great big magnifying glass over those things that make my life very different from the way others live.

Like, today.

We are on the verge of a strategy which will hopefully hold the key to giving my kids small, incremental amounts of success in school and other aspects of their lives.  We’re close…so close, yet no action plan has been put into place yet, I stress the yet, so for now, it’s just an outline, without detail, on paper.  Because there isn’t anything concrete, the days when I see other parents and their chatty, well-behaved 3 1/2 year olds, asking them about their day and receiving a lengthy, non-sensical, descriptive retort, it makes me yearn for the same, or something similar.  And, I know it’s coming, hopefully sooner over later, but it’s coming.  Eventually.  Just not now.

So, that, lopped on top of the normal stresses du jour, money, relationships, and the rest, makes it more than difficult to watch the television and truly appreciate the battle that’s just been won.

Because I’m still here fighting mine.

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Entry filed under: Autism/Aspergers or Something Like It, Current events, Momma Drama.

The Big, White House Clarity

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