On the Sucking of Suckage

January 5, 2009 at 7:46 pm Leave a comment

I saw my therapist today, and for the first time in my short stint as a therapy patient, I have an assignment.

Since meeting my counselor, she and I have discussed a multitude of issues, focusing mainly on my depressive behavior and anxiety related to the issues concerning Max & Sara, the difficulties D & I face on a daily basis in caring for them and the trials we’re encountering in getting them help.  When I first arrived on her doorstep, admittedly I was a fierce mess and not in that good, Christian Siriano way.  I blubbered like an idiot during my first visit and she patiently handed me tissue after tissue, listening to each of my concerns and problems.

On and on she’s reinforced that we’re doing the Right Thing, employing the right professionals and taking the right, positive attitude in confronting our struggle.

But today, she wanted to know how much it sucked.  Whoa.  Seriously?

I was sort of taken aback by that aspect of therapy.   Am I really allowed to feel that way, to admit that yeah, there are times in the small hours of the morning where I send out a big, mental “fuck YOUUUU” to the universe for giving me two kids who, albeit fabulous and perfect in every way, can’t process simple bits of information?  That I question my faith almost daily wondering what kind of God would claim to love me, then send me down the hellish road of infertility, miscarriage, and now this?  That it’s ok to feel like punching a wall at the thought others might not see Max and Sara as I see them.  That I need to talk to my husband, to my therapist, to my family and friends about the good and the not so good.  That it’s ok to cry.

She gave me permission to be pissed off, to bring it to the forefront even just for a little while and deal with those very, legitimate feelings.

Oh, and she also told me I need a babysitter.  I think I love her.


Entry filed under: Autism/Aspergers or Something Like It, Blogging, Momma Drama.

Wills and Won’ts Mom to Two Kids with SPD and Facebook Addict

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